A Radical New Direction for the MCU

Desperation In The Boardroom

MARVEL WAS LOOKING to turn things around following a series of box office duds that had left the once-invincible studio scrambling for answers. 

The superhero fatigue was real, and audiences were growing tired of spandex-clad bodybuilders punching holes in the sky. After endless meetings, PowerPoint presentations, and boardroom discussions that stretched into the wee hours of the morning, the company finally announced a radical new superhero with an unlikely star. 

They needed an angle that wasn’t just left-field; it was from a completely different stadium.

“We feel that Woody Allen is the perfect fit for Termite-Man,” said one of the high-level executives who preferred to remain anonymous, likely to protect their LinkedIn profile. “His wit is his superpower and the studio is very excited about the possibilities. 

We’re currently in negotiation with his agent, ironing out terms, pardon the pun. We believe the world is ready for a hero who doesn’t solve problems with fists, but with crippling existential anxiety and wood-based puns.”

The logic, according to insiders, was that Marvel needed to pivot from “strength” to “neurosis.” If the Hulk is pure rage, Termite-Man is pure worry. 

The studio is betting the house that audiences will flock to see a hero who is afraid of enclosed spaces, open spaces, loud noises, and gluten, yet possesses the power to topple the foundations of civilization—literally.

Training The Termite

WOODY WAS THRILLED to be doing something different; he had felt typecast playing the same old nerdy, intellectual Jew all these years. For him, this was a chance to flex muscles he didn’t know he had—and based on his medical reports, barely existed. 

He spoke about the role on a popular podcast, his voice trembling with a mix of excitement and his trademark stutter.

“I’m looking forward to taking on the challenge,” Woody said, adjusting his glasses. “I’ve been doing pushups—well, one pushup, really, but I do it very slowly—and bowling to get in shape. 

You have to have a certain upper body stability to roll a strike. Actually, the idea of portraying a termite is not that big of a stretch. After all, my name is Woody. It feels like destiny, or perhaps just a very strange cosmic joke.”

The training regimen for the 89-year-old actor has been unconventional. Instead of the typical Marvel diet of boiled chicken and broccoli, Woody has been consuming strictly organic sawdust and attending structural engineering seminars to understand “how to bring the house down.” 

He has also been reportedly working on his “termite walk,” which involves scurrying nervously while complaining about the price of real estate.

A War Of Wits

THE STRATEGY OF the studio bigwigs is to use Woody’s humor as a superpower. The action sequences won’t involve laser beams or shield throws. Instead, the plan is for Termite-Man to tell jokes to disarm enemies who would be caught off guard and confused by the character’s comedic sense.

Imagine a scene: A villain monologues about destroying the city, and Termite-Man interrupts with a five-minute diatribe about the futility of existence and how the villain’s plan is really just a projection of his unresolved issues with his mother. 

While the bad guy stands there, baffled and emotionally drained, Termite-Man uses the distraction to turn their wooden lair into sawdust.

An executive at the company said, “If all goes well, we’d be looking at a tie-in with Ant-Man and The Wasp called Insect Wars, but we’ll have to see if after opening weekend there’s enough buzz, ha-ha.” 

The marketing team is already mocking up posters featuring Paul Rudd and Woody Allen staring intensely at a magnifying glass, with the tagline: Size Matters, But Neurosis lasts Forever.

Ghosting The Studio

IN A MOVE that highlights just how desperate the studio has become for validation, a psychic was called in to channel Stan Lee and get his feedback on the new direction. 

The executives gathered around a seance table in the Disney lot, holding hands and lighting candles in the shape of Infinity Stones.

They waited for hours for a sign, a knock on the table, or a spectral “Excelsior!” But so far, no messages have been received. Some speculate that Stan is deliberately ghosting them, perhaps too busy rolling in his grave to answer the call.

“We’re thinking of using computer simulation to bulk Woody up, or even replace him entirely with AI to save money, but fear we might lose credibility with his fans,” a vice-president of production said, seemingly unaware that CGI-ing muscles onto Woody Allen might plunge the audience into the deepest part of the uncanny valley ever recorded.

The Generation Gap

A RECENT SURVEY of Gen Zers was done to test the appeal of Woody Allen as Termite-Man. The results were concerning, to say the least: nobody knew who he was. When shown a picture, several respondents asked if he was a new chaotic-neutral NPC in Elden Ring or “some guy’s grandpa who got lost.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing as some unknowns have turned into big stars like Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games,” a former executive at Amazon said, displaying the kind of optimistic delusion that usually precedes a massive financial write-off. 

The studio believes they can market Woody as a “fresh new face” in the action genre, banking on the fact that TikTok users rarely watch films made before 2010.

The Hive Mind

JOE PASTERNAK, ONE of a dozen writers hired to craft the screenplay—a “kitchen sink” approach to writing that usually spells disaster—vividly described the main character’s powers, which sound increasingly horrifying.

“Ted Bug, aka Termite-Man, has thousands of fellow creatures he telepathically controls that are essentially part of his mind. It’s a hive consciousness. If his body gets destroyed, he’s not really dead as he’ll just take over another termite. Ted’s more formidable than the cockroach. He’s literally unkillable!” Pasternak enthused.

The writers room is currently struggling to reconcile this terrifying, Cronenberg-esque body horror with Woody’s slapstick persona. Another writer thought of renaming the movie Termite-ator but it was quickly shot down by an attorney representing James Cameron, who sent a cease-and-desist letter before the pitch meeting even ended.

A Star-Studded Terrarium

DESPITE THE BIZARRE concept, the casting sheet reads like an Oscar after-party. Helen Mirren has signed on as Ted’s long-suffering wife, Trish Bug. Insiders say Mirren accepted the role solely for the chance to wear antennae and deliver Shakespearean monologues about dry rot. 

Their children, Tommy and Tanya Bug, will be played by Timothée Chalamet and Emilia Clarke respectively, ensuring that the movie will at least have the “heartthrob” demographic covered, even if they are playing insects.

Dennis Quaid and Sarah Silverman play the nosy neighbors, Harold and Maude Cricket, who constantly complain about the noise coming from the Bug residence. And in a casting choice that has already sparked a thousand think-pieces, Kevin Spacey has been cast as the arch-villain Viktor Vermin, a landlord trying to evict the colony.

To top it all off, Ben Affleck is set to direct the termite tale. Affleck reportedly wants to bring a “gritty, grounded, Boston-noir” feel to the story, which clashes spectacularly with the “Woody Allen comedy” mandate.

Principal photography is scheduled to begin early next year, assuming the creative differences, legal battles, and the actuarial tables regarding Mr. Allen’s life expectancy don’t get in the way first.

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About the Author

Michael J. Mallen writes psychological thrillers by night and satire by day. He is the author of the Nadine Singh Thrillers and a firm believer that if you can’t laugh at the darkness, it wins.

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