Michael J Mallen

MARVEL WAS LOOKING to turn things around following a series of box office duds. After endless meetings and boardroom discussions, the company finally announced a radical new superhero with an unlikely star.

     “We feel that Woody Allen is the perfect fit for Termite-Man,” said one of the execs who preferred to remain anonymous. “His wit is his superpower and the studio is very excited about the possibilities. We’re currently in negotiation with his agent, ironing out terms, pardon the pun.”

     Woody was thrilled to be doing something different; he had felt typecast playing the same old nerdy Jew all these years. He spoke about the role on a popular podcast.

     “I’m looking forward to taking on the challenge. I’ve been doing pushups and bowling to get in shape. Actually the idea of portraying a termite is not that big of a stretch . After all, my name is Woody.”

     The strategy of the studio bigwigs is to use Woody’s humor as a superpower — telling jokes to disarm enemies who would be caught off guard and confused by the character’s comedic sense, giving him time to turn them into sawdust.

     An exec at the company said, “If all goes well, we’d be looking at a tie-in with Ant Man and The Wasp called Insect Wars, but we’ll have to see if after opening weekend there’s enough buzz, ha-ha.”

     A psychic was called in to channel Stan Lee and get his feedback on the new direction, but so far no messages have been received.

     “We’re thinking of using computer simulation to bulk Woody up, or even replace him entirely with AI to save money, but fear we might lose credibility with his fans,” a vice-president of production said.

     A recent survey of Gen Zers was done to test the appeal of Woody Allen as Termite-Man, but nobody knew who he was.

     “That’s not necessarily a bad thing as some unknowns have turned into big stars like Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games,” a former executive at Amazon said.

     Joe Pasternak, one of a dozen writers hired to craft the screenplay vividly described the main character:

     “Ted Bug, aka Termite-Man has thousands of fellow creatures he telepathically controls that are essentially part of his mind. If his body gets destroyed, he’s not really dead as he’ll just take over another termite. Ted’s more formidable than the cockroach. He’s literally unkillable!”

     Another writer thought of renaming the movie Termite-ator but it was quickly shot down by an attorney representing James Cameron. 

     Supporting cast include Helen Mirren as Ted’s wife, Trish Bug along with their children Tommy and Tanya Bug played by Timothée Chalamet and Emilia Clarke respectively.

     Dennis Quaid and Sarah Silverman play neighbors Harold and Maude Cricket, with Kevin Spacey as arch-villain Viktor Vermin. Ben Affleck is set to direct the termite tale.

     Principal photography is scheduled to begin early next year, if Mr. Allen is still alive.